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Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game

August 24, 2018

Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. CONT. The Onion Read more »

Tags: humor

Cash-Strapped FiveThirtyEight Lays Off Dozens Of Top Algorithms

June 1, 2018

Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. CONT. The Onion Read more »

Tags: humor

Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself

May 11, 2018

In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. CONT. The Onion Read more »

Tags: humor

Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can

April 5, 2018

Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely, dark isolation with the guiding light of an elected official’s love, a study released Thursday by Stanford University revealed that 93 percent of Americans don’t truly know their congressperson, not utterly, not in the […] Read more »

Tags: humor

New Poll Finds Public Becoming More Skeptical Of Profit-Driven Corporate Data Mine Powered By Human Misery

April 3, 2018

In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional exploitation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that the public is becoming more skeptical of the profit-oriented corporate data mine powered by human misery that currently dominates the online space. CONT. The […] Read more »

Tags: humor

Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor

March 27, 2018

Saying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the country’s populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. CONT. The Onion Read more »

Tags: humor

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